this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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