3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
