you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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