I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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