Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
