Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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