i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
