I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
