I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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