My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
