can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
