You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
