Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
