i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
