Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
