One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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