I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just found a bag of teeth...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
