Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He literally asked permission to hit on me
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
