worst night to have a conscience
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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