he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
