so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
