Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize