a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
