I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
