i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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