explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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