What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
