Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
