my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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