i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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