she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
