the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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