The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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