remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
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drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
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I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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