it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
