Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
