Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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