No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Randomize
