i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish my penis had a tongue
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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