nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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