omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
vagina is talking i cant
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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