i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
