party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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