I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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