My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
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The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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