So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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