Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
