Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
