My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
