I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
