she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
