he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
