you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
third nipple confirmed
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
