My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
