you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
