My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
